Skip to main content

Stop Trying to Burn Out My Light


Yes I still have Christmas lights up, but in my defense I haven't purchased overhead lights and these are the only lights I own...

Speaking of lights... I've got one. I've got this great, powerful spark that is embedded in my soul. It is a part of who I am. It makes me push on through the dark days. It makes me smile at every unhappy soul I encounter on a daily basis. It makes me ask stranger how they are when I pass them on the side walk.

So why is everyone so intent on putting that spark out?

I am one of the fortunate few who doesn't have to battle depression that is so often paired with migraine. It baffles me that people can see something I'm passionate about and make me feel bad about it or the way I approach it. It baffles me that people want me to direct my energy someplace different. Isn't it enough that I'm sitting having a conversation with you about something I'm passionate about rather than the pulsing veins I feel in my head? Or the nausea that came over me in the middle of our conversation?

You don't want to hear about my illness. But you don't want to hear about anything positive.

For so long I have lived my life surrounded by the wrong type of people, but as these people keep showing up in my life, I begin to question what are the right type of people?

For so long, every aspect of everything gets turned back on me. It doesn't matter if I have a bad day, its automatically my fault. It doesn't matter if I'm just venting about something not as dramatic, somehow its my fault.

It never matters how much I listen to other people, at the end of the day no one wants to listen to me. So thank God I live alone and I've got a very trusting teddy bear who is all ears, because no offense most people make me feel like shit when I express anything.

Its crazy to me. I uprooted my whole life to pursue an education I would actually be passionate about and yet, when I talk about my projects, or my new apartment, or new furniture I want to get it isn't taken well. I've found something that makes me so happy, but I have to celebrate in silence because no one actually cares if I successfully hung a curtain rod all by myself. Certainly no one cares that I'm desperately searching for a gold coffee table with a faux marble top. Its too extravagant. My budget isn't realistic. I should stick to resale shops.

No offense, but I'm studying interior design for a reason. I work in a high end customer furniture store, for a goddamn reason. Why is it so unexpected that I have a few hundred dollars to work with and am willing to spend my hard earned money on INTERIOR DECORATIONS.

People put me down in my own environment because obviously I've stepped out of place. People put me down for wanting something nice for myself. I immediately go from some excited kid in a candy (furniture - we all know I mean furniture) shop to a self absorbed, high maintenance, entitled millennial. All because I don't want to settle. You probably wouldn't want to settle either if you were going to spend $200 on a coffee table.

But I'm sorry I ever bothered to get excited about something. I should just not express when I'm excited about something. I'll tell my bear, like I said he's all ears.

No one likes to see my pain stricken face, or my bloodshot eyes. No one likes to watch me attempt to maneuver and see me tighten up, or move so slowly as to not agitate anything, or just not even try to move.

No one wants to see the hard times, so why, may I ask, is everyone so intent on burning out the only light that keeps me going?

-A

P.S... this is the coffee table I'm obsessed with. Only problem is I think I need something a few inches shorter in length. Maybe something square that's similar. (It's from Pier 1)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tips and Tricks: Migraines Without Meds

We've all got that one thing that we know will make us be more comfortable, more ourselves. That little something we feel gives us an edge in whatever we're doing. It's that red pair of shoes that'll make us stand out from the crowd because there really isn't a wrong time to wear them, but they certainly aren't expected. It's that lucky pair of socks. It's the green scarf. It's our lucky pen. We want to be comfortable. But, when we've got outside forces controlling a pulsing sensation in our heads, comfort is about as far away as the sun we're desperately trying to avoid. And if you're in my position, reaching for the bottle of pain killers isn't always the right choice. To be completely honest, my pain meds scare me. Every time I get into some trance while I'm on them. Every time I feel myself coming down. Every time the pain sneaks back in. Some days I convince myself that the medication simply wore off and the br
Post a Comment
Read more

It Hurts

To say I feel less than human, is probably a bit of an understatement. But I do. I've been home for a week. I've managed to pretty much lay in bed in agonizing pain the whole time. I had a half-assed attempt to see a friend that resulted in me rushing home as the nausea and aphasia set in. I successfully made it to massage therapy today. Which meant even after sleeping for roughly 2 hours, I got up at 7:30 and sat in traffic for hours to get to a less than expected appointment. Mind you, my previous massage therapist was so wonderful I'm most likely spoiled to other techniques. This lady was late, she sat in the same god awful traffic I did. We spent more time going over the woes of her morning, than we did discussing why I was there and what I hoped to achieve through various massage techniques. The massage room wasn't dimly lit, and even as the massage started, lights were still on. I found this odd, but decided to just keep my eyes closed. Then she started
1 comment
Read more

Here's My Advice, Take it or Leave It

On one of my last days of work, as I cradled my head and struggled to get through the short shift I had that evening, on the way out, my coworker looked at me and said: "You know, for as bad as you feel, you certainly don't show it" It was the first time I stepped back from a comment like that and realized that she wasn't trying to diminish me. She was coming from a common place. She knew exactly the pain I was in, and was truly almost impressed that I could go on with my day and appear to be a high functioning adult. And that is where this post came from. There's so many of us, who day in and day out are fighting. Fighting for the pain to stop. Fighting for those around us to just let us be or try and understand us. Fighting to hide what's going on. We're all simply fighting to be normal, but we never will be, and that's okay. I took the time to reach out to people with conditions ranging from migraines (like mine), to anxiety and depressio
Post a Comment
Read more