My Life. My Migraine.

I don't actually expect anyone to understand anymore. I mean, I reached the point where every aspect of my life, is so different from the able-bodied portion of society that holding any sort of hope seems pointless. To say I'm struggling, is an understatement. There's a month until school starts back up and sadly I discovered how outrageously expensive completing my degree would be if I chose to do so online. So, in one short month, I'll be back under fluorescent lights with teachers who are very upfront about how burdensome my accommodations are. I'm lucky that with work I'm being put on a reduced schedule, but that "reduced schedule" won't mean a thing once classes start up. I'll be back to pushing myself non-stop. This whole get a degree while working a job, preferably in your field, to gain experience, to pay your bills, while getting good grades, to get a better job in your field, to pay for the degree you got, isn't really

Sorry to get up close and personal with ya but hey, that's kind of the point of this blog. Today. You can fucking see it. My emotionless face illuminates the swollen, pulsating blood vessels. I mean look at the weird wrinkles and divots right above my eyebrows... that's not natural y'all. That is migraine showing it's ugly face. Funnier thing, when I got into work, a coworker asked how I was feeling. I guess my cheeks were slightly flush. Its crazy for people to actually see my pain because it only ever really happens when I 100% should be in a hospital bed, not work or class or really anywhere. Especially someplace that required operation of a motor vehicle... I ubered to work today, no worries. But here's the thing, I went to work. I sold stuff. I interacted with customers. Because guess what. I've got bills too. God. Its this constant battle between do I drop out of school and just work what I can? Do I quit work so I can focus on school? Wel

I'm just trying to figure out what kind of full moon, impending storm, energetic shift bullshit is going on at the moment. So a storm is coming, duh, my radar brain told me that last night. But we've also got this full moon coming. Apparently its a big deal. I don't understand anything about the moon unless its a Kings Tide. But, to deny that I feel all sorts of out of whack, would actually be a bit foolish. First off, I actually slept last night. Then after massage therapy this morning, I slept for another 3 hours... I could actually go back to sleep anytime. And its not like sleepy because I'm fatigued sleepy. Its like oh I just want to snuggle up in some blankets and sleep for days type of sleepy. Maybe its the full moon, maybe I'm coming down with a cold or the flu. Who knows. Something is certainly off. My avocados may be impacted as well... I had to toss 3 and managed to salvage half of one for my Avocado Toast, which mind you, tasted

Eric Church seems to put it best into words: It's over when its over Ain't it baby, ain't it Rips ya like a dagger, Can it baby, can it Wish we could do it over Damn it baby, damn it We had it in the air, we just couldn't land it So. Here I am. Acceptance. As I rolled over yesterday morning, I sent my standard "not coming in today" text off to my boss. The pain just got worse and worse. I slept a few more hours, then forced myself to get some food in my stomach. Luckily, the sun wasn't out as the rain was hiding those undesired bright rays. But here I was. Another Sunday ( for whatever reason Sunday is becoming a pattern) that I was left calling out of work. Another Sunday morning meeting that I wouldn't be a part of. Another day where I know my boss was just wondering if I was okay and if I'd be able to you know be an adult who could actually hold a job. The pain didn't subside. By the end of the day, I was drained. It didn&

Please understand that photos of things taken at World Market will eventually end up as photos of things I've purchased for my apartment... But on a more serious note. I just want to say sorry. Sunday I checked the weather like I normally do. I glanced at the extended forecast and saw we'd be getting some storms at the end of the week. I cringed. I had plans. For today. Actual plans that I actually was looking forward to. I woke up this morning and I felt good. I didn't even have to plug in my diffuser to ward off fatigue. Then as I began my short drive to work, the first painful twinge struck behind my eye. All I could think was that if I just took enough deep breaths, it would subside. Then the tingling in my head began. And a funny pain in my stomach (still can't explain this one but oh well). So I canceled my plans. It wasn't long before my words were no longer coming out right. By mid afternoon, you could see my mood had dropped d

You see my hair done. You see my makeup. You see my blemish free skin. You see a healthy glow. You don't recognize the tired, strained look in my eyes, because you've never been exposed to a truly "healthy" version of me. Forgive me for putting on the show. Forgive me for pretending that everything is fine. Forgive me for not looking sick. Forgive my negative outlook. Why? Because you don't get to see what this condition is. You don't see that I haven't slept in days. You don't see the bruises lining my legs because the heat has caused a rash on my skin. I understand that its a hard thing to wrap your head around. I mean I get it. I stood at work with a pain level 9. And as I walked around the store, it felt like someone was pushing from the inside of my skull down onto my eyelids. I had to forcibly hold back tears because the pain was so intense. I'd accidentally wander into an area where the sunlight was bouncing off of s

Three times. I have collapsed today three times. I tried to get up this morning, I clearly remember my alarm going off, but I awoke on my closet floor. I guess my body just wasn't ready for me to get up. So it made me go back to sleep making me rushed to get ready for a brunch date. Its hot and humid outside. For me that means I can't actually breathe. Rushing from work to a homecall, I collapsed as I got to my car. I sat outside my car for a solid 10 minutes before I could find the energy to pull myself into the car where the AC could lessen my symptoms. And now here I am. I felt it coming as I left work for the second time. I struggled as I pulled into to my parking space as the physical fatigue made the simple motion of rotating the steering wheel feel like an Olympic sport. I practically pulled myself up the staircase, to my apartment. My key got stuck in the door and I almost gave up right there. But I got in. I set my stuff down. And my legs just gave in. F

Even with my blinds closed. Even with my sunglasses on. Even with the doors closed to brighter rooms. I'm still desperately trying to evade contact with the natural light that pours into my apartment. I have yet to discover a way to mount curtains around these awful blinds to prevent light coming through the sides. Everyone LOVES summertime. I mean who wouldn't love the warm temperatures, tan skin, long days at the beach, fun alcoholic beverages... the list goes on and on. I certainly would love those things if they didn't make everything about my condition worse. The hot weather, and yes even 80 degrees is sometimes too hot for me to handle... forces my patterns of behavior to change dramatically. If I want to run an errand? I better have 3 bottles of water with me. The heat dehydrates me much quicker than normal. The heat causes the pulsing sensation to get much worse. Heat stroke? Oh yeah. Every time I get in my car, I come close to hyperventilating. I

For as long as I can remember, I've had a bin somewhere full of these multi colored stretchy bands. And just about everywhere you turn, there's another one hanging somewhere. Looking back on the last 20 years, its increasingly obvious that my body just wasn't built right. I can remember long before "migraine" was a thing, the decision to move my desk to a different corner where I'd have less light shining on me. Within a month or so, my parents decided to get me glasses. Maybe I was getting headaches from reading. I mean I can remember the day very vividly. It was fifth grade and I couldn't comprehend the textbook that was in front of me. Then for a year I pretended that the glasses did some good. They didn't. I was in and out of various boots and braces basically my entire youth. Sometimes it made sense, like I'd fall of the monkey bars and sprain my ankle. Other times, not so much. Like why on earth did I have to sit out of my ke

Funny, there's no "self help" book for chronic conditions. Hell, we could all probably write a very different book with what we discovered on our own that helped us. The first time my doctor said "chronic" I didn't understand it. I understand it now, but I wish I didn't. But with chronic, there's a lot of other things that don't get explained when we're presented with that diagnosis. No one told me that I'd spend the rest of my life not just fighting for my life, but fighting to simply be last. That checkmark on the disabled box, puts me last. That letter I hand my professors explaining the accommodations they have to adhere to, puts me last. And so... the list goes on. It doesn't matter if I get straight A's or if I'm top performer at work, I still will never show up everyday. I'll never have a perfect month where I didn't have to leave early, or spend half of my day getting sick hiding out in t

Please just stop. Stop trying to sympathize with me. Contrary to what you think, you're coming off as an asshole. Your comments aren't asked for. Your attitude certainly isn't requested. Do you suffer from chronic migraine? Or any condition that causes chronic pain? Are you constantly left feeling fatigued even if you've just woken up from a full night's rest? Do you look healthy, even if you really, really aren't? If you answered no, politely sit down and shut up. Now simply listen. Don't talk. If I express that I'm in pain, just leave it at that. Sometimes I just need to say it out loud. Sometimes I just need the person who is closest to me to know that I can't see anything. I need someone to be aware that I'm not doing great. What I don't need is a response. I don't need to hear how your husband or brother or best friend or ex gets this way sometimes. I don't need to have you explain to me that yeah the

No this isn't an ad for cleaning products or a story on why you too should become a Grove member... Yes it is a great company blah blah blah. But that isn't my point today. I did something new for the entirety of June. As it was Headache and Migraine Awareness month, I made a point to talk about it. I made a point to let others know that this is a serious condition and I suffer from it. I discovered very quickly that a lot of people out there are in the same boat as I am, or completely understand as they have family or friends with the same condition. What I also discovered is that talking about it isn't enough. It is no secret that migraine sufferers know way more about this nightmare than the general public does. It is also no secret that we cringe when people show their ignorance and ableism. This month was hard. I missed 1 full day of work and had to leave work on another occasion. Those two days don't even touch on the days off I spent laying on