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The Tolls We Pay


Three times. I have collapsed today three times.

I tried to get up this morning, I clearly remember my alarm going off, but I awoke on my closet floor. I guess my body just wasn't ready for me to get up. So it made me go back to sleep making me rushed to get ready for a brunch date.

Its hot and humid outside.

For me that means I can't actually breathe.

Rushing from work to a homecall, I collapsed as I got to my car. I sat outside my car for a solid 10 minutes before I could find the energy to pull myself into the car where the AC could lessen my symptoms.

And now here I am. I felt it coming as I left work for the second time. I struggled as I pulled into to my parking space as the physical fatigue made the simple motion of rotating the steering wheel feel like an Olympic sport. I practically pulled myself up the staircase, to my apartment. My key got stuck in the door and I almost gave up right there. But I got in. I set my stuff down. And my legs just gave in.

Forget the stabbing pain that's been wedged behind my eye since yesterday evening.

Forget seeing double.

Forget not seeing at all.

Even typing this is painful. The screen is too bright. My head weighs a thousand pounds.

I just want to cry. But that would hurt too.

I don't have any quick food I can just heat up. I don't have the energy to cook. Let's be honest, I can't order food because I don't think I can handle the stairs again.

I don't have quarters to do my laundry.

I have a full day tomorrow and my day "off" today wasn't even a day off.

My body is done with me.

I pushed too hard.

So now here I sit. Head against my coffee cart. Laptop strewn next to me.

I'm paying my toll.

A.

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