Skip to main content

Fighting for Last


Funny, there's no "self help" book for chronic conditions.

Hell, we could all probably write a very different book with what we discovered on our own that helped us.

The first time my doctor said "chronic" I didn't understand it.

I understand it now, but I wish I didn't.

But with chronic, there's a lot of other things that don't get explained when we're presented with that diagnosis.

No one told me that I'd spend the rest of my life not just fighting for my life, but fighting to simply be last.

That checkmark on the disabled box, puts me last.

That letter I hand my professors explaining the accommodations they have to adhere to, puts me last.

And so... the list goes on.

It doesn't matter if I get straight A's or if I'm top performer at work, I still will never show up everyday.

I'll never have a perfect month where I didn't have to leave early, or spend half of my day getting sick hiding out in the bathroom.

I'll never not have to explain some medical contingency or surprise hospitalizations.

I'll never have a good track record. One month, my refill request doesn't get processed correctly. The next, I'm not responding well to a new treatment. The next the seasons are changing so the weather has me out for the count. God forbid I get a sinus infection. Or get upset. Can't cry or I'm done for 2 days,

There's this really ugly side that goes a lot further than talking about what migraine is and educating everyone and anyone.

Its the side that grows really slowly. Its that side that pushes on the depression that is common alongside chronic conditions. Its those dark thoughts in the back of your mind that usually stay buried, but some days they just won't go away.

Its these little parts of life that I physically can no longer picture.

Yeah, I've got a savings account. Yeah, I contribute to my 401K.

But like, retirement?

Being old?

40 years from now, I'll be 60.

I see posts all the time about people who talk about having migraines for over 40 years.

I can't actually spending an entire lifetime in this pain.

I know I will, but a life like this? There really isn't much to picture.

Who knows, menopause may be a godsend and I'll never have pain after that.

I won't even get into how screwed my body will be from all these treatments...

And then I open Facebook. 2 more people are pregnant and another is engaged and others are celebrating anniversaries and taking fancy vacations.

No, I don't want kids. Never have. Couldn't imagine bringing one into this world and definitely wouldn't want to pass this condition down.

It would be nice to be able to picture settling down one day with someone I loved.

But, now that guy would have to not want kids.

And he'd be signing up for a lifetime of being a caregiver.

How do you put that burden onto someone? You don't.

And its not like guys hang out in doctors office's or therapy places trying to pick up a date.

I can't even go on a date.

I have a hard enough time agreeing to dinner with the few friends I have left.

You see. Its just this endless spiraling cycle.

It goes past the pain.

That's all there is to it.

Some days its just bleak.

Some days it doesn't make sense.

It may feels like I got handed the short end of the stick, but the stick packs a punch nonetheless.

So here's to fighting to just come in last.

A.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Positive Notes

Here I go mixing things up before things have really taken off. My featured picture is intended to represent the way chronic illnesses and disabilities are only really seen in black and white. My words are intended to fill in all that grey space that is ignored. But today I needed a little color. Because at the end of the day, there's a lot of brightness and light and hope that is key component to my every day battle. So here's a sneak peak and my brand new apartment. I think I've spent the last 4 or 5 years waiting for the day that I had a place of my own. Not because I wanted freedom to do what I pleased or had the same urge to be an adult and do adult things. I in no way want to make anyone think that adulting is fun or recommended for anyone. I didn't want my own place. I needed it. I needed to not have to snarl at my parents for running the garbage disposal or cutting the grass when my head hurt too badly to get out of bed. I couldn't take one more la...
Post a Comment
Read more

It Hurts

To say I feel less than human, is probably a bit of an understatement. But I do. I've been home for a week. I've managed to pretty much lay in bed in agonizing pain the whole time. I had a half-assed attempt to see a friend that resulted in me rushing home as the nausea and aphasia set in. I successfully made it to massage therapy today. Which meant even after sleeping for roughly 2 hours, I got up at 7:30 and sat in traffic for hours to get to a less than expected appointment. Mind you, my previous massage therapist was so wonderful I'm most likely spoiled to other techniques. This lady was late, she sat in the same god awful traffic I did. We spent more time going over the woes of her morning, than we did discussing why I was there and what I hoped to achieve through various massage techniques. The massage room wasn't dimly lit, and even as the massage started, lights were still on. I found this odd, but decided to just keep my eyes closed. Then she started ...
1 comment
Read more

I'm Confused As To Why You're Uncomfortable

Full disclosure, I'm well aware that the people I'm talking about, won't be reading this. But this is something that needs to be put out there, on the half chance you might click and read this one post, even though you've never glanced at the rest of them. One month ago, I came to the conclusion that I could no longer work in the capacity I have been used to working. Two weeks ago, I called off for my last week of work, and decided that I 100% needed to put my focus on getting healthy, or at least finding a way to manage my pain. This decision resulted in something no one expected: I medically withdrew from my university. In the weeks that have followed, however, you've bombarded me with your disapproving comments and your blatant lack of understanding. More family won't speak to me. People keep telling me they hope that by being back home, I'll get healthier and I'll be able to go back and finish my degree. I'll be able to take full...
Post a Comment
Read more