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Trying To Live In The Middle


Between the days filled with agonizing pain and the days marked with heavy fatigue, there's this strange middle ground I occasionally find myself in.

Two days ago I was in a weird, fatigued state where I didn't want to do much but scroll through social media and watch some Netflix...

That day ended as I felt the sharp pain increasing behind my eyes.

I barely crawled out of my bed yesterday. I barely could bring myself to eat. I'd stand up and fall over from being so dizzy. With as much liquid as I didn't consume, I certainly had to pee way too often.

I basically slept on and off all day.

Yesterday's pain was probably an 11.

I woke up today feeling as if I should be in some migraine fog. But I'm not.

The pain is still there depending on how I move. It isn't stabbing me in the face, which to me is a dramatic improvement. But its there.

But here I am. In this "middle ground" where the pain is still present, but not debilitating. Where my other symptoms aren't being exacerbated.

To be honest, its confusing. It isn't a space I'm comfortable in. Sure, I could call up a friend and go out for a bite to eat. I could go out and actually enjoy myself. But, it feels as if I turned my head the wrong way I may be back curled up like I was yesterday.

Days like this come around a few times a month. They aren't pain free days, so I'm not "free" and "resting" won't do much.

I don't know if I should treat it as a regular pain day. I have energy so that feels wrong.

But I don't know if I should do anything with that energy.

There's so many things I want to do, but how do you decide on a moments notice which of the activities you haven't been able to do, to do? And who's to say that by the time I've figured it out, I won't have exhausted the limited energy I do have.

I wish I was either in extreme pain all the time or without it all the time. Screw the middle ground.

This middle ground makes me understand when other people say that they're too sick to work. But not sick enough to be disabled.

Days like this makes me think that I could be up going to work, being a productive member of society. It makes me feel like there has got to be something I could do where I could bring in some money and maybe not be stuck living at home again.

Days like this make me feel as if my condition isn't as real. Which isn't at all true. But I feel the way society treats it, as if I could just ignore it and it would go away.

I know it won't just go away.

And at the end of the day, I can't pretend like it doesn't exist for the day.

I'm still stuck with a few hours back and forth with doctors and pharmacists. I still have to remember to take my meds at certain times. I still needs to eat at regular intervals. I still have to stay hydrated.

Today is an anomaly. Normally these in between days are spent dazed and confused.

Unfortunately my brain is up and working like crazy today. I think my brain gets more angry with me than I get with myself. Maybe my brain hasn't accepted this life yet, who knows.

Anyway. Florida is beautiful and I'm not being pummeled by a hurricane. And I'll eventually get my scripts filled here, rather than hoping Charleston's flood water goes away quick enough to make it back to my doctors appointments next week.

A.


Morning 1:

Midday 3:

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