Skip to main content

Introverted... And Chronically Ill


I've always been more introverted than extroverted. 

I've never tried to have a large group of friends or spend all my time surrounded by people.

Maybe moving so much as a kid has that effect, maybe not.

It was easier in high school, back before my pain got so far beyond manageable. People always joked that people in high school were friends with other people because they were constantly with them.

 "Friends by Association" 

But that's really all it was.

Sure, I was close with a lot of people. Some people longer than others.

Sure, I talked to everyone.

Sure, I smiled.

Sure, I knew how to have fun.

I mean, I was spontaneous. I didn't ever care what anyone else thought.

But, it was simply because of the association forced upon us by the schools we attended.

I mean, we'd meet someone new who had half of something in common with us and we'd instantly become friends.

Fast-forward and the only difference in my life is my condition.

Which, this introverted part of my personality, probably makes my condition easier on me and harder on those who are in my life.

People think its a problem that I don't want to make friends.

I don't want to "reconnect" with people I knew in high school... are you kidding me? There isn't anything left that we have in common.

Awkwardly smiling over a cup of coffee because we run out of things to talk about in under an hour isn't how I want to spend my good days.

Day in and day out, I'm made out to be the bad guy. Whether its someone I know or some random person on the internet mad I don't want to get to know them.

I guess I just don't understand why it's so hard for other people to understand that I'm just not interested. I'm not interested in your life and I'm not interested in sharing mine. Because sharing mine, means sharing this illness. It means talking about something you won't understand. It means being belittled by just about everyone with how I'm living my life wrong. How I just need to try this or that or change how I'm approaching something. How my condition is a burden to you because there's no way you can help.

Did I ask for your help? No, I'm sure my insurance doesn't cover your medically unsound advice.

So, its hard.

I used to be really great at pretending to be a people person. Pretending to enjoy the daily interactions with people who can't hold an actual conversation.

Yet, now. I don't have to pretend because it's a lot easier to not associate with a large amount of people simply because I'm sick.

But, I read so often of the struggles of isolation and the lost friendships that occur with people who are chronically ill or struggling with mental health related issues.

But I can't relate to that. I mean yeah, I've lost touch with plenty of people. But I moved across the state after I graduated and then across the country shortly after... People naturally drift apart. This idea that you were friends with people simply because you were forced into the same classes isn't false.

I've lost touch with family, but I've never had a big loving family that spent time together or any of that. I'm just another black sheep in my family. College drop out. Doesn't have a boyfriend. Doesn't go to church. Bad attitude.

Keeping to myself isn't new to me. Chronic conditions usually force introversion onto people, but its the one symptom I don't mind.

So unless you want to talk about the mysteries of the world, conspiracy theories, and life at weird hours of the night when I suddenly feel human enough to do so, stop shaming me for being the same person I've always been.

So maybe being chronically ill and introverted allows me to enjoy the solitude rather than suffer from the isolation.

A.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Defining "Normal"

I'd be crazy to think that "normal" in terms of life as a disabled migraine patient should look anything like your "normal"... When I say this, I want you to think about your week. For the most part, you work your scheduled days, enjoy your weekends, and absolutely dread waking up on a Monday morning. That's your routine. Even as a student, Monday's are dreadful and suddenly you're halfway through the semester wondering how on Earth you've gone this many weeks and how this new semester's routine became so normal so fast. Each day brings a new attitude, because each day is closer to the weekend or a fun event. I have to admit, with football season pretty much being over, I don't know what day it is 99% of the time. That's crazy right? I think it is. My "days" exist in a bubble of I took medicine two days ago, so even though I need some today, I have to wait until tomorrow. I leave my medication on my counte...
Post a Comment
Read more

Tips and Tricks: Migraines Without Meds

We've all got that one thing that we know will make us be more comfortable, more ourselves. That little something we feel gives us an edge in whatever we're doing. It's that red pair of shoes that'll make us stand out from the crowd because there really isn't a wrong time to wear them, but they certainly aren't expected. It's that lucky pair of socks. It's the green scarf. It's our lucky pen. We want to be comfortable. But, when we've got outside forces controlling a pulsing sensation in our heads, comfort is about as far away as the sun we're desperately trying to avoid. And if you're in my position, reaching for the bottle of pain killers isn't always the right choice. To be completely honest, my pain meds scare me. Every time I get into some trance while I'm on them. Every time I feel myself coming down. Every time the pain sneaks back in. Some days I convince myself that the medication simply wore off and the br...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Time We Take

Life's made up of moments. Or at least that's the idea. When everything is all said and done those moments will float back through our mind. Certainly makes you stop and think for a second about what kind of moments we hope make it to our highlight reel. Maybe it stops us in our tracks because we open up Instagram only to see everyone else's highlight reel. We forget that their reels are full of moments we'll never understand, and we get stuck in this place where we're convinced that we aren't doing enough, or aren't doing the right things with our lives. Maybe you can pick out those moments that you wish could live on forever, even though there isn't a photo to have captured it and locked it in time. Maybe you've still got some old photo albums laying around full of memories and long lost friends. One of the things I'm striving for this year is to capture those moments. To live in them. So often, I'm so buried in pain or end...
Post a Comment
Read more