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Facing Uncertainty


I finally caved today.

There is so much uncertainty revolving around me at the moment that I finally just had to pack up all my stuff and do what I'm best at... find a quiet spot at the closest Starbucks and sit down and figure it all out, surrounding by people who don't know and don't care.

There's something surreal about a coffee shop on a Monday afternoon. Most people are quietly typing away on their computers. Maybe their working on a paper for their English class. Maybe their straightening out their resume. Maybe their navigating spreadsheets and decided that even though they work at home, they wanted new scenery today. Maybe their just like me.

I mean whats to say that the girl sitting next to me isn't also taking notes on section 11 of Social Security Disability Benefits. What's to say she isn't also trying to locate a billion different medical records from copious amounts of doctors who don't take as great of notes as they could.

Did you know you have to submit down to the date a record for each appointment related to your medical condition going back as far as you can find for you disability application?

I do now.

I've had so many doctors at this point, I can barely remember all of their names. I certainly don't have their addresses, phone numbers, and dates of services provided memorized.

So, here I am. Gathering all of this information.

What's to say I'm not just like every other college student sitting in here?

It's kind of refreshing to be honest. Even though I'm engrossed in "all things wrong with Alex" not a single person in this place knows that. The barista isn't casting judgement. The people around me don't care. They don't have to. No one is asking me questions. No one is interjecting their thoughts and opinions into what I'm doing. 

 But, in the time I've sat here. I've received 8 calls.

8.

Apparently, informing the referral office at my neurologists that I've already had my initial appointment sent my referral into a lost land of the medical industry. So, I was contacted to set up a visit with a doctor in a whole different network. And then I had to be called back every time my regular doctor found more information.

They found where it went wrong.

They notified each location of the error and made sure no more calls would be made.

Then my doctor called to reconfirm everything that just happened.

And finally, a nurse contacted me because the results from my blood tests are in.

They want me to come in. 

 Ever stop breathing in a coffee shop? I did.

If tests come back normal, they don't want to see you in the office to discuss the results.

They just don't.

So, tomorrow I get to face my doctor.

Social security benefits and qualifiers are one thing.

The idea of having a viable diagnosis with a set in stone treatment plan? That's a whole new level. That's something I can't even begin to comprehend.

I could have Celiac Disease.

It's funny. Chronic Migraine doesn't scare me anymore. I already know so much about it. I understand the limitations. I understand the risks. I understand the given uncertainty and that most of my doctors won't ever be able to tell me something I don't already know.

But Celiac Disease?

Let's be honest, I'm the last person that knows what to do with this.

I mean, I laugh at people who demand gluten free as much as people who push their veganism onto everyone.

But to have to be gluten free. Because gluten is trying to kill me?

That's a new one.

Hell "gluten-free" could solve all of my problems. This discovery could literally give me my life back.

Or it could just add itself onto the growing list of "everything that's wrong with Alex Tomlinson" because to be frank, that's just my luck.

So here I am.

I got a ton done today. I spent hours on the phone straightening out financial aid issues. Then waiting on hold to be told that unless I've submitted my disability application, I just have to have a "walk-in" appointment. I opened a new bank account. I've requested information from my doctor to get my insurance switched properly.

I've sat and narrowed down exactly which articles of the social security disability requirements fit my case, so that I can sit down and present them to my less than willing doctor in order to make my case.

But now I'm one bad thought away from a mental breakdown in the middle of a coffee shop. All because of a singular phone call that I've been waiting on for almost a week.

Is there gluten in a cappuccino? Hell probably.

Thankfully, Voltaire always knows what to say...

"Uncertainty is an uncomfortable position. But certainty is an absurd one." 

 A.

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