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Dismantling Dreams


Three months ago I prepared myself for a new beginning. A promise of something better. Something more fulfilling.

I missed the whole part of my interior design course that actually described different interior design styles, so I took it upon myself to create a mood board that would capture each style in a way I could visually understand it.

Today I ripped that board apart.

Mostly because I'm trying to sell the very large bulletin board behind the pictures... but the dismantling of the board is pretty symbolic.

Honestly anything I own that doesn't have a clear purpose or use, is being sold. I mean, who actually needs bedside tables that hold a single lamp that's crooked that only end up holding other cluttered things that wait for never get used...

I've got some big decisions that I still have to make.

Quitting my job sucks, but that honestly wasn't a choice that was up to me. Yes I need money, but I can't physically do work. At least not scheduled work that piles copious amounts of stress on my shoulders.

So, here's the problem. We all have bills, but my medical bills surpass a normal amount and make other bills less important.

Thankfully my parents help with some, but they are retired. No one seems to get that. They have the money they have and they aren't making more. They are doing all that they physically can to help.

So when it comes to my utilities bill and my internet bill and my therapy bills and god forbid I want to eat so I have a grocery bill... they all fall second in line to my medications and doctors appointments.

I got a small bottle of CBD oil ($35) to try and see if that would help relieve the pain. I don't actually have money to put towards groceries, I don't know why I thought I could spare $35 for oil that tastes like shitty grass.

The CBD oil hasn't done shit. Please no one ever suggest this to me again.

After seeing my headache specialist, we're starting nerve blocking injections next week... that is, if when they get back to me about what they cost, it is somewhat reasonable.

I have one more massage therapy appointment next week, but I canceled the rest after that. Even though it has been the only consistent therapy that has helped dramatically in reducing stress, reducing neck tension, and easing the migraine pain, the measly $35 a visit is no longer something I can make work.

My regular doctor wanted me to see a spine specialist after physical therapy didn't prove helpful. I had to call and tell her I could only afford one treatment at a time.

The easiest route I have is to get a roommate. I have a lovely second bedroom that has a large walk in closet. But I got my own place because of how poor my health was. How do I find a roommate that would understand the requirements I need such as no noise, especially late at night, no strong smells or perfumes... the list could go on. But hey, if anyone's interested in moving in and working around my pain in the ass condition, rent would only be $410 and we could talk about additional utilities/internet costs later...

I've already traded in my phone to have a lower bill.

I'm sharing my textbooks so they don't cost either of us full price.

I don't even turn my AC because that last bill was too high for comfort.

I'll be back to eating chicken and rice in no time.

Let's be honest, I have no idea how I'm going to finish my degree. It would be cheapest to just sell everything I own (and oh my god selling my new couch would kill me) and just move home.

But I wouldn't be happy moving home.

But I've already given up my dreams, so what does it even matter.

I'm no where near close to figuring this all out, but in the meantime, if anyone would like to help out...

My paypal is venaalex@gmail.com

If you're looking to buy some gently used clothes/shoes, my poshmark username is @at17

If you're looking for household décor and such, check my facebook for what's available.

I offer a variety of services, if you need tutoring or help with a resume, I'm available. Please inquire via email: venaalex@gmail.com

A.

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