Skip to main content

I Know I Look Fine


Let's all take a moment to be very honest with ourselves. If we looked the way we felt 99% of the time none of us would look all too great.

This isn't something that is specific to my condition. This is something anyone can deal with.

Got arthritis?

Got a UTI?

Getting over a cold?

No one is going to proudly display the dark circles under their eyes, and lots of makeup companies have perfected concealer to hide just that.

But I'll put up with your looks. Your confused faces. Your attempted sympathetic "well I hope you feel better" as I rush away from work.

Why?

Because there's no way you can ever SEE the pain and the symptoms I'm experiencing. Sure my pupil is literally taking over the entire blue part of my eye... but hey I'm probably just stoned or something.

I don't know how you'd be able to see that my body is saying hey if you don't get into a dark room right now, lay down, and try and consume some food I'm going to ensure you spend tonight in the ER.

I also can't expect everyone I work around to have any sort of level of understanding. Luckily some people do and don't even question my "I'm not doing good, I really need to go home for the day"

They don't ask for an explanation because they don't really need one.

I work part time. This past week I worked over 40 hours. We're short staffed and its summer so it really shouldn't be a problem for me to pick up extra hours. But I'm also disabled and battling a condition that drains my energy, so working so many extra hours is bound to take its toll.

So here I am. Home from work. My head stopped throbbing, the nausea subsided, but everything is heavy. I have no appetite. I could probably sleep for days and I do think my body would let me.

I was able to lay down.

Maybe I could have prevented this whole thing... I mean of course I could have to some extent... but my medication is gone. The bottle is empty. I might be able to get a refill early this week, but that doesn't seem to be the luck I'm having.

I had to go into one of the busiest weekends at my company unarmed.

But I can't just not go to work because I'm out of medication.

But it means I'm at work, and I feel as if I've been hit head on by a train and there's blood smeared everywhere and my guts are falling out.

Yet, if I felt that way there'd be no way my eyeliner would be even and my hair curled and my clothes pressed.

But they are.

That's the difference. I will always "look" like I'm doing good. My condition doesn't cause skin flare ups. I'm not missing any limbs. Even though my face and my neck and my shoulders feel as if they are severely bruised, they aren't.

So my point is, if you have no reason to believe that I'm faking it and just trying to get off work, save you fake pity for someone else.

If I wanted to make it obvious I could have easily just thrown up on your shoes, but I didn't.

I don't want you to see the pain. I don't want you to see what comes if I don't get home. Me curled up in some corner shivering and sweating and rocking back and forth with a cold water bottle pressed on my neck isn't a pretty picture.

A.

Comments

  1. markJune 25, 2018 at 8:07 AM

    i have m.e . /arthritis/Asthma/Hayfever ...
    Migrains .nausea very very often .long list health
    issues.are you aware of any research about migraines
    my blog.http;//mark-kent.webs.com

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Defining "Normal"

I'd be crazy to think that "normal" in terms of life as a disabled migraine patient should look anything like your "normal"... When I say this, I want you to think about your week. For the most part, you work your scheduled days, enjoy your weekends, and absolutely dread waking up on a Monday morning. That's your routine. Even as a student, Monday's are dreadful and suddenly you're halfway through the semester wondering how on Earth you've gone this many weeks and how this new semester's routine became so normal so fast. Each day brings a new attitude, because each day is closer to the weekend or a fun event. I have to admit, with football season pretty much being over, I don't know what day it is 99% of the time. That's crazy right? I think it is. My "days" exist in a bubble of I took medicine two days ago, so even though I need some today, I have to wait until tomorrow. I leave my medication on my counte...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Time We Take

Life's made up of moments. Or at least that's the idea. When everything is all said and done those moments will float back through our mind. Certainly makes you stop and think for a second about what kind of moments we hope make it to our highlight reel. Maybe it stops us in our tracks because we open up Instagram only to see everyone else's highlight reel. We forget that their reels are full of moments we'll never understand, and we get stuck in this place where we're convinced that we aren't doing enough, or aren't doing the right things with our lives. Maybe you can pick out those moments that you wish could live on forever, even though there isn't a photo to have captured it and locked it in time. Maybe you've still got some old photo albums laying around full of memories and long lost friends. One of the things I'm striving for this year is to capture those moments. To live in them. So often, I'm so buried in pain or end...
Post a Comment
Read more

Tips and Tricks: Migraines Without Meds

We've all got that one thing that we know will make us be more comfortable, more ourselves. That little something we feel gives us an edge in whatever we're doing. It's that red pair of shoes that'll make us stand out from the crowd because there really isn't a wrong time to wear them, but they certainly aren't expected. It's that lucky pair of socks. It's the green scarf. It's our lucky pen. We want to be comfortable. But, when we've got outside forces controlling a pulsing sensation in our heads, comfort is about as far away as the sun we're desperately trying to avoid. And if you're in my position, reaching for the bottle of pain killers isn't always the right choice. To be completely honest, my pain meds scare me. Every time I get into some trance while I'm on them. Every time I feel myself coming down. Every time the pain sneaks back in. Some days I convince myself that the medication simply wore off and the br...
Post a Comment
Read more