Skip to main content

Fighting Against What I Shouldn't Do


Here's a cute little cactus that I got for $1 and color photo because it is gorgeous outside and finally feels like fall is settling in to the Lowcountry.

But don't let the warm colors confuse you, I feel like shit.

Oh how I would love to pack up the new books I got and drive down to Folly and spend the day enjoying this weather. But that something that isn't in the cards and shouldn't be something I even consider when I'm feeling like this.

There's actually a whole lot of "shouldn't"s that I've noticed and somehow still can't move past.

Like today, I glanced at the clock. 2:30 PM. I shouldn't be fighting off the overpowering urge to go to sleep. But here I am, pouring myself an ice cold glass of water and distracting myself in an attempt not to nap.

Yes, my body needs a lot more rest than your average 20 year old. But, when I can barely sleep at night, why should I be taking a nap only hours after I've crawled out of bed?

This weekend, my brother is getting married. I should be excited. I shouldn't be calculating my energy for an entire week prior. I shouldn't be planning to take my own car and figuring out what phrasing will be best if I do need to leave early.

Yet, here I am. I've been bogged down with unbearable pain all week. To the point where even the lightest variation of yoga is a no go. And I keep telling myself, even if I could go do something minor, that I'll pay for it Sunday when I'm supposed to be at a wedding. But let me tell you that the "spoon theory" is false and there really isn't a way to gauge how many "spoons" I'll have in a few days in relation to how many "spoons" I tried to conserve this week.

Most importantly, I shouldn't be spending every good moment wishing for something else, something better.

I made the conscious decision to leave my job. I made the decision to leave school. I made the decision to not fight for one or the other. I made the decision to leave my apartment and move home.

So why am I fighting so hard against it?

The thought crosses my mind that maybe there isn't enough evidence to receive money from Social Security, so I spend hours upon hours researching jobs in my area. Debating about which of my previous jobs I'd actually want to go back to. Researching jobs I can do from home.

Suddenly I find myself in the depths of new universities and programs of study that I don't even know if I'm interested in. For some reason being a rocket scientist doesn't sound too bad.

But it's bad if I don't get better. And by better I mean almost pain free because astrophysics isn't an easy career field, and I couldn't wing that like I did architecture and interior design.

Now say I have a conversation with someone when I'm feeling okay. Somehow that conversation finds its way back to education and jobs and getting my own place again. It's this endless loop.

My brain has a disorder. But my disorder won't inform my brain of this.

Which leaves my brain constantly bouncing back to the things it shouldn't.

And its just me.

Not a single person around me expects anything from me.

When they ask what my plans are for the day, they aren't insinuating that I need to have plans. They're just making conversation.

But I can't shake this feeling that I need to do everything and I need to do it now.

I shouldn't feel this way. But I do.

John Mayer had it all right:

It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul
Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

 A.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It Hurts

To say I feel less than human, is probably a bit of an understatement. But I do. I've been home for a week. I've managed to pretty much lay in bed in agonizing pain the whole time. I had a half-assed attempt to see a friend that resulted in me rushing home as the nausea and aphasia set in. I successfully made it to massage therapy today. Which meant even after sleeping for roughly 2 hours, I got up at 7:30 and sat in traffic for hours to get to a less than expected appointment. Mind you, my previous massage therapist was so wonderful I'm most likely spoiled to other techniques. This lady was late, she sat in the same god awful traffic I did. We spent more time going over the woes of her morning, than we did discussing why I was there and what I hoped to achieve through various massage techniques. The massage room wasn't dimly lit, and even as the massage started, lights were still on. I found this odd, but decided to just keep my eyes closed. Then she started ...
1 comment
Read more

Positive Notes

Here I go mixing things up before things have really taken off. My featured picture is intended to represent the way chronic illnesses and disabilities are only really seen in black and white. My words are intended to fill in all that grey space that is ignored. But today I needed a little color. Because at the end of the day, there's a lot of brightness and light and hope that is key component to my every day battle. So here's a sneak peak and my brand new apartment. I think I've spent the last 4 or 5 years waiting for the day that I had a place of my own. Not because I wanted freedom to do what I pleased or had the same urge to be an adult and do adult things. I in no way want to make anyone think that adulting is fun or recommended for anyone. I didn't want my own place. I needed it. I needed to not have to snarl at my parents for running the garbage disposal or cutting the grass when my head hurt too badly to get out of bed. I couldn't take one more la...
Post a Comment
Read more

Tips and Tricks: Migraines Without Meds

We've all got that one thing that we know will make us be more comfortable, more ourselves. That little something we feel gives us an edge in whatever we're doing. It's that red pair of shoes that'll make us stand out from the crowd because there really isn't a wrong time to wear them, but they certainly aren't expected. It's that lucky pair of socks. It's the green scarf. It's our lucky pen. We want to be comfortable. But, when we've got outside forces controlling a pulsing sensation in our heads, comfort is about as far away as the sun we're desperately trying to avoid. And if you're in my position, reaching for the bottle of pain killers isn't always the right choice. To be completely honest, my pain meds scare me. Every time I get into some trance while I'm on them. Every time I feel myself coming down. Every time the pain sneaks back in. Some days I convince myself that the medication simply wore off and the br...
Post a Comment
Read more