My Life. My Migraine.

Who would have thought when I was officially diagnosed with chronic migraine at the beginning of high school, I would be where I am today. There is so much that doesn't get discussed in that initial diagnosis. There are so many tangents of this disorder, that were never explained to me. I never imagined that my day to day life would begin to be altered to a point where I didn't recognize myself or my habits. For every football game I attended religiously. For every late night trip to get pancakes. For every Sunday morning that I'd wake up early and rush off to get a coffee before anyone else was on the roads. For every concert. For every plan that was made... I never imagined they would be my last. But my doctor never explained to me that the symptoms of my migraine he was asking about, would get worse and that new ones would develop. He never told me my heightened senses, would get stronger, and eventually I wouldn't have to be experiencing an attack for the...

I thought balancing school, work, and migraine was an almost impossible task. Now subtract school, and for the most part work, and add in moving and you've got just about the least ideal situation for a migraineur. So bright side, my furniture arrived yesterday like it was supposed to and my head wasn't pounding. Now for the down side that just kept going... To start my day, I couldn't even taste my food (Couldn't tell you why but this happens sometimes). Then Wells Fargo failed to confirm my identity even though I had requested my information be updated over a week ago with the new address. Seriously all the information reverted back to my parents info... recommendation to everyone: get your own accounts the second you move out. And then, I had a long, long list of issues needing to be addressed by maintenance. And they wanted to call me at the same time that my UPack arrived. Then after getting the shipping container put in an out of the way parking spot, I conve...

There's a whole other side to this migraine world that I find myself trapped in. Its this foggy, blurry, not level world that isn't understandable. It is hard to explain. It's this place that I find myself in this morning. I think I rolled around for an hour before attempting to get out of bed, knowing, just knowing, how heavy my head was going to feel. Then I stood in front of the coffee maker trying to make coffee to take with my medicine. I knew which medicine to take. I know what this medicine does to me if its really the medicine I need... But what does the knowledge of the side effects and potential dangers mean if I know that I can stop the throbbing pain? Nothing. That's why I've continued to have this treatment on hand for the past 3 or 4 years. I could eat, so that was a step in the right direction. Yesterday I struggled to even look at my food. As I stared into my makeup cabinet, I didn't even know where to begin. I could barely distinguish ...

Most days I can find something to compare the pain to. Most days I can find comfort in something. Not today. I went to bed early last night, as I felt a migraine coming on. I took my medication and was fast asleep. Until 3AM when my head was absolutely throbbing. I lay there hoping it was just a nightmare and that my alarm would go off at 5:30 and I'd be fine. I had to be fine. I had a midterm at 8AM and Spring Break starts tomorrow. I was far from fine. I got up. I brewed coffee. I put on concealer. And then in realizing how much pain I was in and recognizing that there was no hope in going to class - even if I ubered I probably wouldn't be able to read my exam. So I stood in front of my mirror and cried. And I don't cry, because God knows that makes my migraines worse. But I cried. Because this war is getting harder to fight. Migraine is winning. So I gave in today, not on my own choice, but because a good friend insisted that I go back to bed and hope for the ...

Today's one of those days where I sit here and ponder why I even made the effort to get out of bed. I'm nauseated. I can't really see straight. I'm not sure if the glaring sun or large amount of potholes did my stomach any good - I'm going to say no because I feel so awful. But it's midterm week. I can't miss the day that goes over what will be on the exam or the day of the exam, right? I mean I'm sure I could. But I don't feel like I can. I got up much too early, and I could barely eat my breakfast. I took the meds I know I'm not supposed to drive on, and hoped that they didn't kick in before I got to campus. They didn't. They still haven't kicked in... neither has my nausea pill. It's cool today, but inside these halls are stuffy and its hard to breathe. I feel like the air around me is going to swallow me up, but I'm sure my professor and classmates would turn their nose up to having class outside or opening a wi...

Dear bully. That's correct, I won't call you by your name because you don't deserve to have that sort of recognition. This is an open letter to you. And God, I hope it finds you. Do you know what it took for me to get out of bed this morning? Did you know that throughout the course of the day, the growing tension in my head kept getting worse and worse? Did you know that I've been dealing with this condition for as long as I can remember? You don't. And you lack the compassion and humanity to ever understand. I'm so sorry, in an open discussion style course, that I chose to relate to an example that was brought up regarding the way American society pushes medications at people. I'm sorry I've been one of many, who have had drug after drug after drug thrown at me as a half-assed attempt to "cure" my incurable pain. But, I spoke up. I continued the conversation the class was having, and tried to connect our current world with the book w...

Yesterday was a rollercoaster of ups and downs, mostly downs.   I started the day by guessing the wrong medicine to take... Yes that's correct, I have to make the best educated guess as to which medicine may make the pain subside... and I guessed wrong. I did okay at school I did even better when I went to pick up my keys for my new apartment! (Maybe the excitement masked the pain for a bit) I did horribly right before I had to be in at work, and spent the first hour of my shift quite nauseas and not interested in moving at all. Luckily no one was there, and as the nausea eased up it had finally been long enough that I could take the other medicine in hopes that it would work. Maybe it worked. I don't know. A crazy man came into work and I was paralyzed with fear and paranoia for about an hour. He was loud. He kept laughing. I'm sure he meant well. But I was scared. I wanted to call security. He was probably just on drugs. And he left. So maybe it was the fear ...

    Today was okay. I woke up and wasn't greeted by the horrible stabbing pain and fatigue that has become such a regular part of my day.   Today was actually a really good day . Work was productive and I learned all sorts of new things. I was allowed to express my personality through a design challenge that we started the day with. We were presented with a less than ideal fabric that a hypothetical client was insisting on having on a chair in their home. We then had to design an entire room around it. I was given a dark green fabric with some floral patterning to it... and I think my end design came out to be fun and very expressive.   I chose to compliment the dark green that would cover the chair in the left corner with a sofa and loveseat done in a creamy leather covered in bright pillows done in yellows and pinks.  To create a more dramatic feel in the room I used dark wood finishes and large pieces of art that could all be conversation piece...

It feels like more days than not, are becoming what I call "lost" days. These are the days where I've got plenty to get done, and lots of obligations, but migraine keeps me from doing them. Its the days when no matter what combination of medicine I take, I'm most likely going to be confined to the walls of my dimly lit bedroom, covered in ice packs, with my diffuser going. Today's one of those lost days. It's the 3rd one this week. I'm very fortunate to attend a university with a accommodations office that understands my needs. I started this semester with a very untimely decision by a new neurologist to just quit all the meds I'd been on for about a year and half. After going through uncomfortable withdrawal, I went through even more intense migraine variations. This resulted in me missing over a week of school and an exam. My doctors response? He referred me to a new doctor. Luckily he gave me permission and refills to go back onto my previou...