Skip to main content

When Life Does Get In The Way


2015. I must have thought I was pretty smart in 2015. Hell. Look at the last paragraph or so. I actually had my head on just right.

I'm sitting here and Lee Brice is singing in the background that he'd take years off his life before he took life off his years.

I'm also sitting here wondering when everything went so wrong. Maybe if I hadn't been so hell-bent on leaving, I'd be halfway through a degree in historic perseveration. I'd be sitting downtown in some quaint coffee shop surrounded by new best friends.

Maybe if I hadn't decided I hated Clemson before I ever got there, I'd be there instead. I mean Lee Brice liked it a lot.

Maybe my sailboat should have been taillights.

I can't help laughing thinking that a version of me ever pictured a future that involved anything more than a bunch of cows and dogs and coffee.

But hey, that version of me didn't know this version of me. That version of me didn't spend days stuck in bed, glued to the sheets by pain.

Its hard to imagine what any real dreams look like. Hell, I can't even stick to a day to day plan. I can't commit to make some fancy cauliflower dish, so now the cauliflower is spoiled. So what does that say about dreams.

I'm starting to think that life got in the way. This disease. It got in the way.

Maybe its time to accept that the only dream that matters is one where a cure exists. One where medical advances come and don't come with a price tag more than my rent. One where I can watch storms roll in and not feel my head pulse with the shifting storm front. One where I can make plans without also making an excuse for why I can't go through with them.

One where I can go back to focus on chasing sunsets.

This is the part that most people don't see. Or don't understand. Or maybe they see it and don't want to take the time to acknowledge it. What do people do when all of their dreams get taken away from them? Hell, I never got to play a sport because some jackass screwed up my knee. I'll never get to serve my country. I'll never get to be a detective, not with this condition. I wouldn't be fit for duty.

What do people do?  I guess at the end of the day we just go on. We find some new passion. We find something to focus on. Something.

I'm not ready to stop fighting. I'm not ready to turn my life over to this disease. But in some ways, I already have.

I used to naturally wake up at the crack of dawn on Sundays, and would make my way to Starbucks to grab my morning coffee. Last night, all I wanted to do was wake up this morning, bright and early and go grab that morning coffee again. The writhing pain put a hold on that one today. But maybe tomorrow.

A.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Defining "Normal"

I'd be crazy to think that "normal" in terms of life as a disabled migraine patient should look anything like your "normal"... When I say this, I want you to think about your week. For the most part, you work your scheduled days, enjoy your weekends, and absolutely dread waking up on a Monday morning. That's your routine. Even as a student, Monday's are dreadful and suddenly you're halfway through the semester wondering how on Earth you've gone this many weeks and how this new semester's routine became so normal so fast. Each day brings a new attitude, because each day is closer to the weekend or a fun event. I have to admit, with football season pretty much being over, I don't know what day it is 99% of the time. That's crazy right? I think it is. My "days" exist in a bubble of I took medicine two days ago, so even though I need some today, I have to wait until tomorrow. I leave my medication on my counte...
Post a Comment
Read more

Tips and Tricks: Migraines Without Meds

We've all got that one thing that we know will make us be more comfortable, more ourselves. That little something we feel gives us an edge in whatever we're doing. It's that red pair of shoes that'll make us stand out from the crowd because there really isn't a wrong time to wear them, but they certainly aren't expected. It's that lucky pair of socks. It's the green scarf. It's our lucky pen. We want to be comfortable. But, when we've got outside forces controlling a pulsing sensation in our heads, comfort is about as far away as the sun we're desperately trying to avoid. And if you're in my position, reaching for the bottle of pain killers isn't always the right choice. To be completely honest, my pain meds scare me. Every time I get into some trance while I'm on them. Every time I feel myself coming down. Every time the pain sneaks back in. Some days I convince myself that the medication simply wore off and the br...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Time We Take

Life's made up of moments. Or at least that's the idea. When everything is all said and done those moments will float back through our mind. Certainly makes you stop and think for a second about what kind of moments we hope make it to our highlight reel. Maybe it stops us in our tracks because we open up Instagram only to see everyone else's highlight reel. We forget that their reels are full of moments we'll never understand, and we get stuck in this place where we're convinced that we aren't doing enough, or aren't doing the right things with our lives. Maybe you can pick out those moments that you wish could live on forever, even though there isn't a photo to have captured it and locked it in time. Maybe you've still got some old photo albums laying around full of memories and long lost friends. One of the things I'm striving for this year is to capture those moments. To live in them. So often, I'm so buried in pain or end...
Post a Comment
Read more