My Life. My Migraine.

Bad advice I receive from everyone: Push Through God. I hate that phrase. "Can't you just push through it?" No Jessica I can't fucking see, I obviously can't push through this. But, what on earth do I keep doing? Pushing through it. I started my new job Sunday... I was shocked. I woke up and there wasn't a hint of pain. I kept waiting all day for that pain to show its ugly smile. It never came. Nausea showed its ugly face. I'll put it off to nerves of starting new and not knowing what to do. That all wore off after lunch. But that sharp stabbing pain, didn't come. 32 hours of pure relief. What a concept. But let me tell you, Memorial Day I crashed. I woke up in that all too familiar pain. I spent a few hours conning myself to get out of bed. Then a few more convincing myself to not go back to bed. Come new job day 2, and I didn't wake up feeling fabulous, but after being up for a bit I was feeling okay. I got through day 2 with no ...

Our outlook on the world is literally everything. It makes us who we are, it defines the people around us and the day to day events that leave impressions on us. Our outlook's aren't as mindful as they should be. As a society, we may want to focus on ourselves, or better ourselves, but we narrowly forget the world around us. Yes, one must find peace within one's self before affecting the world, but the only path that'll allow us to change the world, is that of mindfulness. Thich Nhat Hanh said "The bell of mindfulness is the voice of the Buddha calling us back to ourselves. We have to respect each sound of the bell, stop our thinking and talking, and get in touch with ourselves, breathing and smiling. This is not a Buddha from the outside. It is our own Buddha calling us home." He went on to talk about the idea of bringing a bell into your home. Particularly for families to ring, say during an argument, to allow everyone to take a moment to step back ...

I tried. After battling insurance and doctors/nurses who didn't provide enough information, I was able to get in Tuesday to receive the first in the 4 day series of DHE injections. What is DHE? DHE is an injectable drug designed to help treat migraines by shrinking blood vessels down. This goes along with the theory that migraines are worsened by enlarged blood vessels in the head. DHE works be shrinking these vessels along with the rest of the vessels in your body. Well, as great as it sounds, it isn't that great. Picture this, you're strapped to an uncomfortable chair meant for someone 200 lbs heavier than me, with an IV in your arm. First they go through injecting a round of Benadryl and anti-nausea medicine. After half an hour, you're ready to fall asleep, but its time for the DHE drip. So the nurse gets it all set up and a drip that's meant to go for 40 minutes lasts for 60. Then you're given some IV version of Advil, and asked to wait for 30 m...

There is only one thing that exists in this entire world that provides clarity to this disease. I know, without a doubt, that crying triggers a migraine worse than any migraine I regularly experience. Strong enough to remain more powerful than any combination of drugs or essential oils or hot showers or ice packs. So here I am. Oh my god I would give anything to wrap up in my blanket and shove my head into a pillow and have on of those really deep, really painful cries where I end up screaming into my pillow until I fall asleep because crying has taken it all out of me. But, you see, I can't do that. I can't justify the amount of pain I'd be putting myself through, just to allow myself to cry it out. I quite literally have an extra sinus cavity that flares up and blocks the larger sinus cavity from releasing snot, which creates a really unbearable migraine that only time can alleviate as the swelling goes down. My new doctor didn't tell me that in order...

2015. I must have thought I was pretty smart in 2015. Hell. Look at the last paragraph or so. I actually had my head on just right. I'm sitting here and Lee Brice is singing in the background that he'd take years off his life before he took life off his years. I'm also sitting here wondering when everything went so wrong. Maybe if I hadn't been so hell-bent on leaving, I'd be halfway through a degree in historic perseveration. I'd be sitting downtown in some quaint coffee shop surrounded by new best friends. Maybe if I hadn't decided I hated Clemson before I ever got there, I'd be there instead. I mean Lee Brice liked it a lot. Maybe my sailboat should have been taillights. I can't help laughing thinking that a version of me ever pictured a future that involved anything more than a bunch of cows and dogs and coffee. But hey, that version of me didn't know this version of me. That version of me didn't spend days stuck in bed, gl...

Medicine Overuse. Dependency. A never ending, hard to break, cycle, pushed by medical professionals without considering the risks. Wednesday I was diagnosed with potential medicine overuse headache, or rebound headache. Can I say that I am at all shocked? No. Is this something I worried about every second of every day? Absolutely. We've replaced on of my daily meds with something less potent, with a longer wait time between taking doses. We're working to reduce how often I need to run to grab my abortive medications. Next week, I'll be admitted to the hospital every day for 5 days, to receive IV injections of DHE, Benadryl, anti-nausea medicine, and something else. This measure is intended to stop this migraine that's been dragging on since September dead in it's tracks. In turn, I should be able to reduce the frequency of abortive medications. Then, I'll start my first round of Botox injections. But, how did I get here? Me, of all people? I ...

I believe its time the doctors and medical facilities and insurance companies get called out for what they are continuing to do to those with chronic conditions. According to the American Board of Professional Liability Attorneys, medical malpractice is defined as: Medical malpractice occurs when a hospital, doctor or other health care professional, through a negligent act or omission, causes an injury to a patient. The negligence might be the result of errors in diagnosis, treatment, aftercare or health management. To be considered medical malpractice under the law, the claim must have the following characteristics - a violation of the standard care - an injury caused by the negligence - an injury resulted in significant damages Interesting. I'm sitting here compiling my medical records to bring to my newest stop along with trail of chronic pain... At age 16, I was placed on the Depo-Provera shot. To better manage my hormones because that was causing my migrain...

Once upon a time... Who am I kidding. Let me start over. Most of the time in a land controlled by migraine... Welcome to the world I like to call sensory overload. It hit me the other day that even though everyone understands what "senses" are and everyone understands the concept of being overloaded or overworked or stressed, no one can quite sense, what I sensory overload really is. So, I wanted to break it down, sense by sense, to give you a sense of my senses. Yes I am intentionally reusing the word over and over because it only makes sense. Sight For the most part, we can all see. If you're reading this, I'm assuming you fit into the category of able eyed folks. If you wear glasses, the first part of sensory overload in reference to sight may actually be really familiar. When a migraine strikes or gets too intense, I often really struggle to see. Sometimes its more depth perception related, like I can be looking at something, say a page in a nov...

The Industry. Education? Yeah that one. Pharmaceutical? Yeah that one too. Insurance? You guessed it. The Medical Industry and the doctors that make it up? I'd put money on it. They're all failing me and they're all collectively working together to insure that I don't ever get better. I moved in August... It took until November to get insurance straightened out to even see a primary care doctor who has to make a new referral for a condition I've been treated for since God knows when. It takes 3 months to get in to see a specialist. So I didn't get to see my neurologist until the end of January. He tried to kill me by taking me off my meds and then deemed me untreatable. 3 more months to even get in at the next specialist they want to send me off to. Thank god I see him next week. But its a shame I've gone this entire semester without any care. Then begins the game of refills. How do you ask a doctor halfway across the country to refill your presc...

Okay let's face it, I don't know what to do, who to talk to, or how to face life at the moment. I've got 3 group presentations next week, 1 other presentation, 1 6 page long essay to write, and 4 more exams to study for. But I'm also in the middle of an intense job search and interviewing with potential employers. But I also found out that my C1 vertebrae doesn't move the way its supposed to. But I also ended up in the ER this week. But I also found out my siblings father had a stroke. But my entire paycheck didn't get deposited into my account. And just like that, everything just stopped. I don't know how to move forward. I don't know how to address school, doctors, or future employers. I don't know how. So I finally saw a chiropractor. He was real nice. But here's the problem, no one in their right mind has over $2000 to spend on getting your neck realigned to where its supposed to be. Problem number 1: My C1 vertebrae. That love...

From the second I woke up it was evident that I wasn't going to make it. Evident that I had to get medicine into my system immediately. Evident that I'd be late for school waiting for medicine to kick to the point where I could see to drive. Mistake Number 1. Getting up. The medicine was helping some, it took my 8 pain down to a 7. I was able to attend most of my first class and my professor was very understanding when I explained why had been late. My second class was short, but miserable. I rushed to eat a granola bar in hopes of calming the nausea. That didn't do anything, so I resorted to some handy dandy nausea medicine. Still really didn't do anything. I had a meeting for a group project that felt much less productive than it could have been. Mistake Number 2. Not listening to my bladder. I kept having to excuse myself to pee. And I had to pee a lot. This is a tell tale sign that something is wrong and my medicine is just flushing through my system ta...