Skip to main content

Egregious Days


You know, you always read this and that about people setting the wrong expectations.

You get your hopes up way too high when it comes to a new treatment or a new opportunity.

You find a new job and everything seemed so perfect. Until all of a sudden you're met with the "hey you're no longer a newbie so you get to see what all of this is actually like" and then your coworkers stop wanting to be nice. Your boss isn't as invested. You see right through the shiny lights and soft fabrics and realize, yes this is a great job, but I'll never fully enjoy it because I set the bar too high.

Then there's the other end. You expect the worst. And the worst is what you shall receive... hypothetically.

I mean, they say if you walk into a new treatment expecting it not to work, it won't work. It's the reason placebos show promising results in some cases, because people just know it'll work.

But, in all these trials and in all these various methods, not once did anyone actually look me in the eyes and ask me what is was that I wanted out of this.

This morning, it hit me.

Like an affirmation slapping me across the face. There it was.

I don't want to spend any more days and nights like I did the last 36 hours.

I tried to enjoy the Packer game, but with each elongated minute, I desperately wanted the game to end so I could lay my head down. 

 I tossed and I turned and I did everything I could to apply pressure that would relieve pressure somewhere else so I could just fall asleep.

 I went to bed with a throbbing 8. 

 I woke up at a 9. The sweet relief from Saturday morning was now a distant memory. And all I could think about was how much I would love to just spend the day building a jigsaw puzzle. 

 But, I woke up and it was almost 11AM. I scrambled to get some food in my system, drank maybe half a cup of coffee and gave in. 

 This beautiful Monday wouldn't be spent on the couch. No the couch wasn't an option. This day, would be a day I would just crawl back in bed and pray that this pain would break or that I'd just be able to fall back asleep. 

 Nothing. Ice packs didn't work. Hypnosis style meditation didn't work. Essential oils didn't work. 

 It was a strange day. I wasn't nauseous. There was no vertigo. All those other symptoms weren't around. Just the pain. And god if a light came anywhere near me, that pain skyrocketed. 

 By dinner, the nausea set in. I gave up and went to bed. I laid there, now having been elevated to a 10 for a few hours. I couldn't move. I couldn't roll over. Getting up to pee was hell because the already stabbing pain would stop me further in my tracks. 

 I gave in. I didn't reach for my migraine meds. Those don't work when the pain is this high. Sometimes I opt for 800 mg ibuprofen. Sometimes its hydrocodone. Last night, ibuprofen was the winner. 

 By 10PM, I could feel it start to break. 

 I took my medication too close together. Normally I wait around 4 days, this was 3. I also didn't take migraine medication. You may think, oh it's just an ibuprofen, but I've chugged 2 gatorades and now I'm sipping on an iced chai... I'm still so dehydrated I'm practically gasping for air.

About an hour or so ago I felt the rebound headache start.

Some days, I think that if I could just get all these other symptoms under control, I could go back and live a somewhat normal life. But the truth is, those symptoms are 10x better than that pain.

And recovering from a bad migraine is easier than recovering while also weaning off a strong drug.

So, now I have my answer.

I don't want my migraines to go away. That isn't realistic.

I want to not have multiple days each month where my pain is at a 9 or 10.

I don't ever want to have to reach for such strong pain medicines just to cut the pain.

I want to be able to feel hydrated. Every day.

I really don't think that's too much to ask for.

Normally, I consider a "bad day" the days where I don't leave my couch and struggle to interact with the world. So, I don't know what we'd call yesterday. Egregious is the best I can come up with.

So, now I'm off to make my own bullet journal and pretend that something like that will make any sort of real difference, other than being aesthetically pleasing.

A.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tips and Tricks: Migraines Without Meds

We've all got that one thing that we know will make us be more comfortable, more ourselves. That little something we feel gives us an edge in whatever we're doing. It's that red pair of shoes that'll make us stand out from the crowd because there really isn't a wrong time to wear them, but they certainly aren't expected. It's that lucky pair of socks. It's the green scarf. It's our lucky pen. We want to be comfortable. But, when we've got outside forces controlling a pulsing sensation in our heads, comfort is about as far away as the sun we're desperately trying to avoid. And if you're in my position, reaching for the bottle of pain killers isn't always the right choice. To be completely honest, my pain meds scare me. Every time I get into some trance while I'm on them. Every time I feel myself coming down. Every time the pain sneaks back in. Some days I convince myself that the medication simply wore off and the br
Post a Comment
Read more

It Hurts

To say I feel less than human, is probably a bit of an understatement. But I do. I've been home for a week. I've managed to pretty much lay in bed in agonizing pain the whole time. I had a half-assed attempt to see a friend that resulted in me rushing home as the nausea and aphasia set in. I successfully made it to massage therapy today. Which meant even after sleeping for roughly 2 hours, I got up at 7:30 and sat in traffic for hours to get to a less than expected appointment. Mind you, my previous massage therapist was so wonderful I'm most likely spoiled to other techniques. This lady was late, she sat in the same god awful traffic I did. We spent more time going over the woes of her morning, than we did discussing why I was there and what I hoped to achieve through various massage techniques. The massage room wasn't dimly lit, and even as the massage started, lights were still on. I found this odd, but decided to just keep my eyes closed. Then she started
1 comment
Read more

Here's My Advice, Take it or Leave It

On one of my last days of work, as I cradled my head and struggled to get through the short shift I had that evening, on the way out, my coworker looked at me and said: "You know, for as bad as you feel, you certainly don't show it" It was the first time I stepped back from a comment like that and realized that she wasn't trying to diminish me. She was coming from a common place. She knew exactly the pain I was in, and was truly almost impressed that I could go on with my day and appear to be a high functioning adult. And that is where this post came from. There's so many of us, who day in and day out are fighting. Fighting for the pain to stop. Fighting for those around us to just let us be or try and understand us. Fighting to hide what's going on. We're all simply fighting to be normal, but we never will be, and that's okay. I took the time to reach out to people with conditions ranging from migraines (like mine), to anxiety and depressio
Post a Comment
Read more