Skip to main content

The Tolls We Pay


Three times. I have collapsed today three times.

I tried to get up this morning, I clearly remember my alarm going off, but I awoke on my closet floor. I guess my body just wasn't ready for me to get up. So it made me go back to sleep making me rushed to get ready for a brunch date.

Its hot and humid outside.

For me that means I can't actually breathe.

Rushing from work to a homecall, I collapsed as I got to my car. I sat outside my car for a solid 10 minutes before I could find the energy to pull myself into the car where the AC could lessen my symptoms.

And now here I am. I felt it coming as I left work for the second time. I struggled as I pulled into to my parking space as the physical fatigue made the simple motion of rotating the steering wheel feel like an Olympic sport. I practically pulled myself up the staircase, to my apartment. My key got stuck in the door and I almost gave up right there. But I got in. I set my stuff down. And my legs just gave in.

Forget the stabbing pain that's been wedged behind my eye since yesterday evening.

Forget seeing double.

Forget not seeing at all.

Even typing this is painful. The screen is too bright. My head weighs a thousand pounds.

I just want to cry. But that would hurt too.

I don't have any quick food I can just heat up. I don't have the energy to cook. Let's be honest, I can't order food because I don't think I can handle the stairs again.

I don't have quarters to do my laundry.

I have a full day tomorrow and my day "off" today wasn't even a day off.

My body is done with me.

I pushed too hard.

So now here I sit. Head against my coffee cart. Laptop strewn next to me.

I'm paying my toll.

A.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Defining "Normal"

I'd be crazy to think that "normal" in terms of life as a disabled migraine patient should look anything like your "normal"... When I say this, I want you to think about your week. For the most part, you work your scheduled days, enjoy your weekends, and absolutely dread waking up on a Monday morning. That's your routine. Even as a student, Monday's are dreadful and suddenly you're halfway through the semester wondering how on Earth you've gone this many weeks and how this new semester's routine became so normal so fast. Each day brings a new attitude, because each day is closer to the weekend or a fun event. I have to admit, with football season pretty much being over, I don't know what day it is 99% of the time. That's crazy right? I think it is. My "days" exist in a bubble of I took medicine two days ago, so even though I need some today, I have to wait until tomorrow. I leave my medication on my counte...
Post a Comment
Read more

It Hurts

To say I feel less than human, is probably a bit of an understatement. But I do. I've been home for a week. I've managed to pretty much lay in bed in agonizing pain the whole time. I had a half-assed attempt to see a friend that resulted in me rushing home as the nausea and aphasia set in. I successfully made it to massage therapy today. Which meant even after sleeping for roughly 2 hours, I got up at 7:30 and sat in traffic for hours to get to a less than expected appointment. Mind you, my previous massage therapist was so wonderful I'm most likely spoiled to other techniques. This lady was late, she sat in the same god awful traffic I did. We spent more time going over the woes of her morning, than we did discussing why I was there and what I hoped to achieve through various massage techniques. The massage room wasn't dimly lit, and even as the massage started, lights were still on. I found this odd, but decided to just keep my eyes closed. Then she started ...
1 comment
Read more

I Know I Look Fine

Let's all take a moment to be very honest with ourselves. If we looked the way we felt 99% of the time none of us would look all too great. This isn't something that is specific to my condition. This is something anyone can deal with. Got arthritis? Got a UTI? Getting over a cold? No one is going to proudly display the dark circles under their eyes, and lots of makeup companies have perfected concealer to hide just that. But I'll put up with your looks. Your confused faces. Your attempted sympathetic "well I hope you feel better" as I rush away from work. Why? Because there's no way you can ever SEE the pain and the symptoms I'm experiencing. Sure my pupil is literally taking over the entire blue part of my eye... but hey I'm probably just stoned or something. I don't know how you'd be able to see that my body is saying hey if you don't get into a dark room right now, lay down, and try and consume some food I'm goin...
1 comment
Read more